I knew her. Everything about her. I knew her more than I knew some aspects of myself. She was the reflection of me in a mirror. She shared my dreams, my beliefs… She shared my fears, my ambitions, my skewed political opinions, heck she even listened to Nicki because I adored her. She had a faith in me that didn’t exist in my own self. Whenever I felt inadequate, she was there, believing that I would pull through. She had a sense of security about my abilities that I have only seen in Jack Bauer.
I knew I had a gem. A precious girl. I felt that we had something that was irreplaceable. I knew that no one could put up with my bs the way she did. In the words of Riri she was not only my lover but my best friend in ways unimaginable.
In my ignorance, I was never straight with her on so many occasions. One time I was on top of the world and the next I was deep in an abyss that I couldn’t find my way up. I juggled between getting angry at her for petty stuff and taking her out on useless dinners and dates.
I miss her,
You know, her,
There has been few,
Please don’t ask who,
But unlike her,
They all disappeared like dew,
That’s why I am here on cue.
I blundered; bad,
I faltered; hard,
Made mistakes; a tard,
Not she, or I,
She and I,
But I wanted more,
Chasing a greener pasture,
A Falteringly flawed belief,
An illusion impossible,
Talk of selfishness,
Most importantly us.
I took a step,
My desires too deep,
Ignoring her sacrifices,
Her dreams for us, ever too precise,
She held on for us, more than thrice,
But one can just take too much.
The world out there was enormous,
It was more than I can discuss,
In this piece, or several others in future,
But that notwithstanding,
Out there, she was missing,
Of a deep shared history,
For her I kept longing.
But I had chosen the world,
Turned my back on her, reasons unfound,
Leapt off, her ambitions and wishes untold,
I chose self, over something that was greater,
Blinded by wants,
Against her, I sinned,
Am full of transgressions,
She, am no longer worthy to have.
I miss her,
I know I have said that before,
But unlike others, this she won’t ignore.
I can’t fully take the blame for everything because she knew she had a way with my feelings. She knew where to press or what to say… She understood when to scream when to lie quiet, when to sob bitterly or when to smile and wrap her arms around me.
Ours was a romance on a rollercoaster. One defined by an adrenaline rush, uncertainty, passionate lovemaking and bitter fights. All that notwithstanding, we had a deep connection. A vulnerability towards each other that was heavenly. We could do so little apart.
Her friends warned her about me. I would break her to pieces or so they said. I was an intoxication she could do better without. In their own words, I was a drug, she was addicted on..the withdrawal symptoms would kill her. To some extent, I believed them.
I was an asshole. I knew it. She assumed it. She chose to see the brighter side of me. She chose to focus on my unwavering charm, my sense of humor and the fleeting security I provided. I knew better. I knew she deserved better. But we were tied at the hip by a stream of endless promises, a sparkling future and an unending desire to be in each other’s arms.
I was a jealous wreck. That I can confess. I didn’t know why but I just wanted her for myself. I couldn’t imagine anyone else there. I belonged… No.. She belonged to me. I lost my sense of security in her laughter, her kindness, her warmth, and gentleness. I couldn’t imagine all those amazing attributes being shared with someone else. That brought along fights. Fights over petty misunderstandings. Maybe I was nursing my guilt thinking that she would ever go out of our mutual affection and desire someone else.
I messed up. I know that now. I can no longer call her like I used to. She isn’t mine anymore.
Many people have asked me why I am single and I think it is because no one else is yet to match half of what she represented. No one has matched her wit, her passion for life, her selflessness, her belief in me or her understanding of my blunders. I was faulty and still am. She got that.
The reason I start my pieces this year with this article is that I think I never appreciated her enough. I didn’t quite sacrifice as much as I should have. I didn’t give her 100% as she did me. We weren’t perfect or anything close but we worked through our imperfections to create something blissful. I did not see that then but I do now.
I have not quite appreciated the people who have had an impact in my life as well as I should have. Deep down I do.
As you read this, know that I appreciate the time you took to come this far.