Over time I have been accused of being lots of things – arrogant, egotistical, narcissistic, and proud, snobbish and assuming. I have never taken not even a second to twist my mind trying to understand the implications of my personality representing either of those personalities because as it is, everyone possesses an opinion. Whether I agree or put up with the opinion is a completely different matter. Some of the people who have accused me of being supercilious at one time in their cycle of existence have over time experienced the other side of me that the “public” around me hasn’t had an opportunity to experience.
One of those people was you. Before you truly understood me you thought of me worse than a tyrant. Your mind had been convinced that I was cold and unappreciative. Self-centered and full of myself. Rude and unforgiving. You thought I was a loser in so many ways but I hope over the past few years you’ve known the other side of me that is passionate, understanding and appreciative of people.
I want to convince myself that I have proven everyone else wrong with my acts of benevolence towards you, your friends and everyone you care about. I have been my best when you’ve been around and I hope that even after the final full stop to this inscription you will continue to be so.
When we met, I had constructed such thick walls around me that no one could penetrate. The funny bit about the whole wall thing is that I couldn’t get out either. I had myself where I was most comfortable – around myself; absent outside pressure and expectations. I enjoyed my own companionship more than anything else. I never thought that someone else could be so perfect to match what I felt when I was alone, surrounded by my own darkness. I thought I was happy.
Then you happened.
Out of nowhere, an exhilaration I hadn’t felt before consumed me every time I saw your face. The way you laughed made me smile. I was awestruck. I was off my reservations and I wholeheartedly allowed you to penetrate the wall. Letting my gut down, I allowed you in, believing that I was happier with you around than I was around my insecurities and self-assurances.
You were the girl I thought about and smiled foolishly. You had me at the palm of your influence. Your utterances were music to my ears and your sobs were heartbreaking moments anytime they reached my ears. When it came to you, I always found an excuse not to be around anyone else. Your presence was a safe haven for my societal dysfunctioning self.
Where there was fault you represented the promise. Where I had doubts you gave me assurance. Where I felt I couldn’t reach you catapulted me into the destination. What’s amazing is the fact that you believed in me more than I believed in myself. I have never understood that to date. I have never understood why you thought I was the best that I ever had been in the past.
The first time you held my hand, on you was a white trench coat. That memory is edged into my brain because that was the first time I had felt such attraction to someone. You had locked your fingers in between mine with no notice and although it was the second day after our meeting, I felt like I belonged. I felt appreciated, desired and wanted. I never wanted to feel your fingers slip away.
At that instance and time, I understood what I had been missing all along. I felt your warmth as you hugged me goodbye and I thought that I had forever said goodbye to the cold. I believed that because you made me a believer.
When I looked at you I imagined how beautiful our daughter would be. On the second day! As I waved you off I simply wanted you to stay longer but it just couldn’t be. You had to do reporting. I had to sit back and wait for our time together.
I came and we rolled on. Living in every instance like the next was unheard of. Held hands with our lips touching. Quenched our thirsts irrespective of everyone around. Swam to the horizons, imaginations beyond just our future. Consumed by desire and temptations, our hands were always on each other. We created magical moments after every turn. We felt content in the first year exchanging affectionate word every chance we got.
Being with you was awesomeness for lack of a better word. Anytime I looked into the darkness outside I remembered that there was light by and with you.
Over time things got better before accusations and mistrust defined almost every conversation we had. I thought it was because we loved each other too much. The problem was that without our knowledge, rifts widened and every call became a routine. Texts became programmed and checking on one another became an obligation rather a pleasurable familiarity. Without knowing, the love consumed my soul and almost everything started going down the drain.
I wanted a lot of things for us. I believe you also did. Maybe you still do.
I don’t want to make excuses for all the wrongs I have done but I am sorry. I regret every moment I have ever made you cry and if tables were turned and the clock unwound I would do so many things differently. I wanted to preserve the sparkle in your eyes and fulfill all the cute promises but I guess I wasn’t nearly as perfect as I thought I would be.
In a thousand plus days you lit my world like roulette. Gave me purpose and a sense of responsibility to myself, to my family, to you and to my country. You made me believe that there was more to heartbreak, pain, misunderstandings and broken dreams. In your infinite wisdom, you made me a little wiser, more resilient to life pressures and softer to your advances and affection. You demolished the prism I looked the world through and through that, I saw things clearer and with a little bit more focus.
As I write this I don’t know what made me hold on. I cannot honestly state whether it was genuine affection for you or was it the fact that I couldn’t stomach the thought of you being with someone else. Love for you brought about jealousy in me – an ugly trait I couldn’t stomach. Suspicion squeezed my heart in pain and my throat always felt choked. I became breathless in more times than one anger and that robbed me of the joy that I once felt around you.
We had happy days but the reckless hand of pain always seemed to crawl in.
As I write this I know you feel wronged, betrayed even, but I feel worse. Our time together was and still is the best time I will ever spend with someone. You brought about the best in me but I retracted anytime you got too close in our last days.
In my convictions, I have come to realize I am not the best guy for you to spend an eternity with. I feel that I have let you down too many times to do it again and again. I am imperfect to a fault and I guess that everyone was right after all. You’re perfect in so many ways and you deserve a perfection that’s equal to your own.
I can only say I am sorry…