I haven’t been doing this often. Not writing to you but entirely speaking to you. Mum keeps saying I should make sure I go to church every Sunday to not do so much but at least say thank you to you. I do go to church but I find it more effective to say thank you on the go; anywhere and anytime… that way it’s more effective. It’s more honest… I don’t have to be in a building to acknowledge how messed up my life would be when someone wasn’t watching over me.
As I was coming to work today I closed my eyes, off Tears of the Pen for a while and tried to have a conversation with you; a conversation that is in most instances one way, I speak and hope you are listening. I try to get a glimpse of the sky trying to convince myself that you are watching my struggles, trying to be a better man to my wife and a grateful father to my kids.
I hope you are watching and offering guidance.
For those wondering, I don’t close my eyes. My demons await in the darkness to consume my conscience in self-loathing, regret, shamelessness and compunction. So, I keep them open, because I am better off mesmerizing at the beauty of nature as I acknowledge the awesomeness of its creator.
I feel lost most of the times. I fail to pray, I forget to pray… no, I feel too dirty to come clean to you who is blemishless. Pure… I repent but find myself at fault again and again… for the same sins, the same iniquities, the same conditions, the same temptations… I fall again and again and again… I ask for your guidance in getting up promising to be better but I fail for the umpteenth time.
That is shameless. At least in my eyes… It is improper, vile and unforgivable.
The fact that I make a promise to you and break it times with no limits is something that makes me feel unworthy to even look into your eyes. It makes me feel dirty and contemptible. The reflex to this is to turn my back to you and operate on autopilot. A system that you ensure is always above board. I feel your hand in many things I do and mumble a thank you when I can.
Something I keep doing again and again…
I have been in self-doubt lately. Immersed in a situation I question a lot about everything about and around me. I question the state of my finances, the level of my education…. But most importantly I question my purpose.
I question whether I have made enough impact if I went along; if I touched enough souls, blessed enough spirits, impacted enough beings, and provided an adequate amount of warmth to enough persons…. My mind wonders if my deeds been adequate if I suddenly collapsed and passed, I ask myself whether I have changed enough mindsets; turned for the better, lost generations, guided errant teens and wayward younger ones or even braved ridicule as I helped turn new leaves…
I ask myself these questions and look up to you for answers…
On Twitter, Kenyans on the platform say that nobody can stop reggae. But I know you can… or the stop button… Whichever way you look at it you have your hand on it. The comment is something that makes me smile every time I see it.
I am going off so let me try to get back to my intended message.
Over the quarter a century I have been alive, I have lost many friends, some to worldly pleasures, some just faded away, some died, some are just somewhere blocked but others are just waiting for me to give two fs… Not three…
Apologies for the foul language.
Someone I deeply cared about a while ago told me I should do that; give at least an f about people I claim to care about… In her opinion, sacrifice dictates you let go of something you are so afraid of losing and in this case she was referring to my ego and desire for control. I was afraid of being vulnerable and as such, I had let her go when she didn’t even know she was being let go.
She hangs on to a branch that was already broken. She fell, hard and unexpectedly, thus the conclusion I should have cared more… I said I did and she retorted by saying that I should have at least showed it. I didn’t. No… I did, she just didn’t see it, and I didn’t do it in the way she wanted me to show it.
Relieve that incidence and multiply it by 26. One for every year I have been around and you get someone not so sure of anyone’s intentions other than their own. I am sure of my mum’s intentions though. She is the noblest person I have ever met and it’s because she talks to you daily that I have the strength to take every day by the horns.
At times I stay in the darkness of my bedroom and think about Njambi. Njambi is a fighter. She has gone through a lot since she was diagnosed with endometriosis… I think about her condition and the pain she must be going through. I know she is closer to you than I am yet your grace is sufficient… I am not questioning your wisdom or your decisions… of course you know better than the whole 8 or so Billion of us combined…
Here is a post she wrote on her Instagram page…
“You go misdiagnosed for 19 years. You undergo more than 12 surgeries. You lose your job. While you’re at it, your grandma who raised you has pancreatic cancer stage 4. There’s only one person working with an income helping the entire family. She couldn’t manage it alone. The entertainment company you run is out of business. You step out and still hustle while you’re sick. You have no medical insurance. After every hospital admission in Nairobi, comes a bill of 300k. You later find out what the problem is… You arm yourself with all the knowledge and information…
You embark on a journey to find doctors who can treat you. You get to America and the surgery is done. You develop more complications. The American healthcare system is nothing close to our system at home. The bills are crazy. I’m recovering greatly and if that is something that makes anyone doubt my fight, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry and sad that anyone would think I’m here taking advantage of people. I’m relearning everything.
My body was reset to factory settings.
It’s so sad that people still have so much to say. I’ve laid my life bare for the whole world to see sometimes against the wishes of my family because I want to LIVE…”
She continues to fight for her life yet so many young people are opting to take their own lives, committing suicide every single day. Is that how we get a balance? Some fight for what others take away without a second thought?
I am not saying committing suicide is cowardice but I believe it is selfish. We choose not to live within our pain but instead pass it on to someone else… But then, what do I really know about life and death other than one is here until the next one knocks.
How can a body fail you at your peak? How can a disease be so brutal? How is this allowed to happen? Why can’t our health care system provide adequate and affordable solutions to these problems that so many of our family members go through?
I am conflicted about so many issues. For instance how a young black person is supposed to keep calm when a gun is being pointed on their face by a cop supposed to be protecting them. I think about gun violence and the lives that have been lost to the bullet… Young promising lives… I think of Baby Pendo and question why she had to die… I think about her parents…
I question why a whole bunch of us were okay with the killing just because her parents were supposedly on a different side of political inclination.
She was an innocent bystander in a ruthless battle for power.
But it was okay just because she wasn’t our person. I think I think too much. I have been told not once or twice that I tend to overthink stuff. Maybe I do, maybe I am just a mental case. I want to write, I want to publish, I want to develop the companies, I want to help people through YAI…
I have a lot of questions, a lot of plans, a lot of struggles I should ask for your help in sailing through but I will only ask for sufficient serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; taking, as your Son did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; trusting that You will make all things right if I surrender to Your Will; that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with You forever in the next.